TMI

When the weather gets colder, long about mid November, my skin gets dry on my lower legs, hands, upper back, and in a small place just forward of my left ear. Oh yeah, the right nipple, too. It drives me fucking nuts! When I scratch it, it looks like I’m adjusting a bra strap. Which, of course, I don't have. I'm just saying...

The right nipple, like the right everything else, is slightly larger than the left, as my attentive boyfriend so eagerly pointed out to me one day. Actually no one is symmetrical, except Denzel Washington. Supposedly, the more symmetrical you are, the more handsome and Greek God-like you are. Whatever.

I had a boyfriend with the biggest penis I’ve ever seen, live or recorded. A Magnum condom was barely big enough to cover The Dick With Its Own Zip Code. He was kind of fucked up about it. Apparently it had caused some problems with his previous boyfriends.

No, I didn’t break up with him because his penis was too big, although it was. I broke up with him because of his drug use.

Incidentally, I had a boyfriend with a small penis. He was also kind of fucked up about it. He tried to over-compensate by being athletic and passionate. It worked.

Gotta bounce. My right nipple itches like a mofo.

Where Did You Go? (For TH)

Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever,That you've been gone.
Some days I feel like shit
Some days I just wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but the trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
"Where'd you go?"I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home..
You know the place where you used to live
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile
But now, you only stop by every once and a while
Fuck, I find myself just fillin' my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
"Where'd you go?"I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home..
I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin'
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses
For why you're not around,
And feeling so useless
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it..
Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone.Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home...

Closer To Fine (For JD)

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine

American Movie Truisms

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

All beds have special cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and some leaf lettuce.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris; Big Ben from any window in London; St. Basil's from any window in Moscow.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Cars blow up only after coming to a stop at the bottom of the ravine, no matter how bad the wreck was.

Goodbye

No, I did not Steal this from Weird Al. Me and JD Made this up, years ago. So here it is for all posterity. Just sing it to the tune of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" and you're there.

Ive been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams Ive kicked your face
A thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Goodbye!
Hope it's not me you're looking for?
You can see it in my eyes
You can see it in my smile
You're all I've never wanted
And my throat is filled with bile
Because I don't know what to say
And I don't know what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I hate you

I hate to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
That I don't care
Sometimes I wish your heart would just explode
Goodbye! Ive just got to let you know
That I don't care where you are
And I don't care what you do
And I hope you're feeling lonely
And that no one's loving you
Tell me how to break your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying
I hate you

MomTalk

Please note that all MomTalk is true and did and does occur.

Me: Wzup, mom?

Mom: What?

Me: I said what's up?

Mom: Nothing. (Under her breath, imperiously) Go to the store. Get some kleenex and some pecans.

Me: I'm not going to the store right now, I just got home.

Mom: (In a snippy tone) I didn't say for you to go to the store, I said that I need to go to the store and get some kleenex and pecans. That's all. I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe. If it don't rain.

Me: Whatever.

After 10 minutes of silence:

Mom: Yep, 75!

Me: (Looking askance, furrow-browed, and wide-eyed. ) What about 75, mom?

Mom: Like I said, some kleenex and some pecans. Son of a bitch!

Me: Uh...

Mom: They said that is was going to be 75 tomorrow. That's bullshit.

Me: Ok. (Plopping down to watch Heroes)

Mom: What are we watching?

Me: Heroes.

Mom: What?

Me: Heroes.

Mom: (After 10 more minutes of silence) Jayvin!

Me: Yeah?

Mom: What time do you have to work tomorrow?

Me: Two.

Mom: What?

Me: Two!

Mom: You don't have to shout! Shit! All I wanted to know was when you have to work because I have to go to the store and get some pecans and some kleenex. I'll be damned if I'm asking Charlie to do anything for me because one time I asked him to go to -

Me: - Jason's and get you a baked potato and he said that he only had ten dollars but he would use five of it to get you a potato, back in 1995, so you're still mad about that 11 years later. That's not normal.

Mom: That's right. What can I say? What?

Me: I'm trying to watch the show.

Mom: There is nothing wrong with me, goddamnit!

Yes, This Applies To You

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've blogged. Most of you already know that I don't actually have a place to live, so I've been moving between two places. It's starting to make me a little crazy. I'm really stressed out, although I pretend not to be. It's been my experience that you can get accustomed to anything, regardless of how much it sucks.

Why do we not take the effort to change the status quo? We're too scared. Yep, that's the reason. We are scared. Scared to be what we want, scared to have the things that we want and scared to do anything that might jeopardize our silly little place in this dangerous world.

And folks, it won't take much. You are one paycheck away from destitution. You need to be fixing that situation. You know what to do, so get the lead out of your ass and get cracking.

It's not going to kill you or make anyone hate you. Who cares if you fail? Just keep trying.