MomTalk

Please note that all MomTalk is true and did and does occur.

Me: Wzup, mom?

Mom: What?

Me: I said what's up?

Mom: Nothing. (Under her breath, imperiously) Go to the store. Get some kleenex and some pecans.

Me: I'm not going to the store right now, I just got home.

Mom: (In a snippy tone) I didn't say for you to go to the store, I said that I need to go to the store and get some kleenex and pecans. That's all. I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe. If it don't rain.

Me: Whatever.

After 10 minutes of silence:

Mom: Yep, 75!

Me: (Looking askance, furrow-browed, and wide-eyed. ) What about 75, mom?

Mom: Like I said, some kleenex and some pecans. Son of a bitch!

Me: Uh...

Mom: They said that is was going to be 75 tomorrow. That's bullshit.

Me: Ok. (Plopping down to watch Heroes)

Mom: What are we watching?

Me: Heroes.

Mom: What?

Me: Heroes.

Mom: (After 10 more minutes of silence) Jayvin!

Me: Yeah?

Mom: What time do you have to work tomorrow?

Me: Two.

Mom: What?

Me: Two!

Mom: You don't have to shout! Shit! All I wanted to know was when you have to work because I have to go to the store and get some pecans and some kleenex. I'll be damned if I'm asking Charlie to do anything for me because one time I asked him to go to -

Me: - Jason's and get you a baked potato and he said that he only had ten dollars but he would use five of it to get you a potato, back in 1995, so you're still mad about that 11 years later. That's not normal.

Mom: That's right. What can I say? What?

Me: I'm trying to watch the show.

Mom: There is nothing wrong with me, goddamnit!