Slim...

Chance I will restart this blog.

Man From Nantucket...

Ah, the limerick. Language Art in its most base form, for demented schoolboys and smart ass English teachers. And I love, love, love it. Why does the limerick lend itself to such depravity? I don’t know, but let’s investigate.

The limerick has a particular meter and a particular rhyme for each line. The classic "Nantucket::" (oral tradition, as it were.)

There once was a man from Nantucket (three beats)
Whose dick was so long he could suck it. (three beats)
He said with a grin (two beats)
While wiping his chin (two beats)
If his ear was cunt, he would fuck it. (three beats)

Note the accent in the first line on "once" "man" and "NanTUCKet", and in the second line on "said" and "grin." So the rhyme scheme is always A A B B A. The simplicity of this rhyme and meter lends a flow that makes limericks easy to construct and memorize. As with any set form, contrivance will sometimes be necessary. Observe what I observe about myself:

A poet who thought he was great
Whose wit time shall never abate
Made verse that was crass
Pulled out from his ass
His ego you just can’t deflate.

That's all there is to it. now you try! You don't have to make it nasty. I actually know a girl who offers to "pee in their shoes." And who the fuck really likes their job? The other two are just something I made up.

A girl in the place named of Liz
At wonkyness she's quite the wiz.
Who gave you the blues?
She'll pee in their shoes!
That's just the sweet thang that she is.

My job makes me tired and sick.
One could say that it sucks on a dick.
If that's not so wrong,
Just why not say "dong"
Then change it to something like "prick."

I live in a town where the boys
Make lots of bravado and noise
Yet when they're away
The become highly gay
To play with each other like toys.

Your mom was outside in the yard.
THe sight of her made my cock hard.
Right there on the grass
I got me some ass
How it shook like a bucket of lard!

Um, well sorry. It's harder make a clean limerick. So I'll continue with the nasty ones!

How many of you ladies can relate:

A man to his wife said, "Oh pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She said, "Why you fool!
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
(from the book The Limerick., which I don’t have handy so the quote may not be exact.)

c 2007 Jayvin Alternative Media, so don't steal my original limericks!

Notes On Shakespeare

This play, written circa 1606, was based on historical fact surrounding Banquo, the Scottish nobleman and ancestor of King James I. Shakespeare’s repertory company found favor with the king who generously supported the theater. Macbeth was most likely a tribute to James I. Shakespeare depended greatly on Holinshed’s Chronicles, published in 1577, as a reference for his historical plays.

An Excerpt from Shakespeare’s Macbeth:

Act IV, Scene I. A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron.

[Thunder. Enter the three witches.]

FIRST WITCH. Thrice the branded cat hath mewed.
SECOND WITCH. Thrice and once the hedge pig whined.
THIRD WITCH. Harpier cries, “’Tis time, ‘tis time.”
FIRST WITCH. Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweltered venom sleeping got
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.
ALL. Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
SECOND WITCH. Fillet of fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blindworm’s sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell broth boil and bubble.
ALL. Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
THIRD WITCH. Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches’ mummy, maw and gulf;
Of the ravined salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digged in the dark,
Slivered in the moon’s eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe,
Ditch-delivered by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab;
Add thereto a tiger’s chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.
ALL. Double, double, toil and trouble.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
SECOND WITCH. Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.
[Enter HECATE, to the other three WITCHES]
HECATE. O, well done! I commend your pains;
And every one shall share i’ the gains;
And now about the cauldron sing,
Like elves and fairies in a ring,
Enchanting all that you put in.
[Music and a song. “Black Spirits,” etc. HECATE retires.]
SECOND WITCH. By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, Locks,
Whoever knocks!
[Enter MACBETH.]

MACBETH. How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is ‘t you do?

***
Although Shakespeare was not the first by far to write of so-called witches, the image of witches around a cauldron that was impressed upon us as children comes largely from the quoted portion of this play. How many of us are familiar with “Double, double, toil and trouble?” How often is “Something wicked this way comes” quoted?

The detailed description of the items placed in the cauldron were set to at once disgust and amuse, and to play upon the highly superstitious Elizabethan sensibilities. Four hundred years later, the effect remains. Children place imaginary offal in their imaginary cauldrons, and adults recoil with a laugh.

Witch trials and murders of the convicted were common at the time.

I am not a particular fan of Shakespeare, just making a point about the witches.

c. 2007 Jayvin Alternative Media.

Just A Thought....

Would you be embarrassed if your dad owned a tampon string factory?

Clock

My friend has this really annoying clock. She's sitting here laughing at me while I make this post. I really hate that fucking clock. When I spend the night, I have to stop the pendulum from swinging, because the damn thing bongs every hour, when I am trying to sleep. It took her a long time realize that the stoppage of her clock coincided with my visits. So now, I listen to the clock and complain about it. She got it as an anniversary present, so I suppose it has some special meaning to her. But to me, it's just a really annoying damn clock. The last time I spent the night, I was too drunk to care about the bong-bong-bonging of the clock, so I just let it ride. But one day, one day I fully intend to take a baseball bat to that clock.

Snappy Retorts Re: MomTalk Post

Someone told me that the MomTalk post was in bad taste. And my other posts aren't? Well, I really have to say FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. I can make fun of my own damn family when ever I damn well want. I haven't even started with MomTalk, and after that, I'll be moving on to my mildy retarded brother! So there! Suck crusty moose balls!

TMI

When the weather gets colder, long about mid November, my skin gets dry on my lower legs, hands, upper back, and in a small place just forward of my left ear. Oh yeah, the right nipple, too. It drives me fucking nuts! When I scratch it, it looks like I’m adjusting a bra strap. Which, of course, I don't have. I'm just saying...

The right nipple, like the right everything else, is slightly larger than the left, as my attentive boyfriend so eagerly pointed out to me one day. Actually no one is symmetrical, except Denzel Washington. Supposedly, the more symmetrical you are, the more handsome and Greek God-like you are. Whatever.

I had a boyfriend with the biggest penis I’ve ever seen, live or recorded. A Magnum condom was barely big enough to cover The Dick With Its Own Zip Code. He was kind of fucked up about it. Apparently it had caused some problems with his previous boyfriends.

No, I didn’t break up with him because his penis was too big, although it was. I broke up with him because of his drug use.

Incidentally, I had a boyfriend with a small penis. He was also kind of fucked up about it. He tried to over-compensate by being athletic and passionate. It worked.

Gotta bounce. My right nipple itches like a mofo.

Where Did You Go? (For TH)

Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever,That you've been gone.
Some days I feel like shit
Some days I just wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but the trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
"Where'd you go?"I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home..
You know the place where you used to live
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile
But now, you only stop by every once and a while
Fuck, I find myself just fillin' my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
"Where'd you go?"I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home..
I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin'
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses
For why you're not around,
And feeling so useless
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it..
Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone.Where'd you go?I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home...

Closer To Fine (For JD)

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine

American Movie Truisms

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

All beds have special cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and some leaf lettuce.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris; Big Ben from any window in London; St. Basil's from any window in Moscow.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Cars blow up only after coming to a stop at the bottom of the ravine, no matter how bad the wreck was.